groundhog – theblindwoodchuck.com

A Charmin’ Tale

The odor was getting intense as the woodchuck followed the toxic cloud through the tunnels of her burrow. Where was it coming from? It smelled like a toilet had exploded but it wasn’t from her own segregated bathroom area—she kept that very tidy with mint and lavender PooPourri she gathered from the meadow. She might be an animal, but she certainly didn’t have to live like one.

“Watch out!” The warning shout was overwhelmed by a sickening squelching sound as her hind quarters sank deeply into a disgusting pile, and she found herself midway up her haunch in someone else’s poop. The woodchuck was so incensed she couldn’t formulate words, just sputtering expletives and variations on Eewwwww.

“I tried to warn you,” said her very unhelpful cousin Shirley, her head sticking down in the entrance while she held her snout. “The weasel has been going around taking a dump in the burrows of animals who Marched a few weeks ago.” She extended a paw to her cousin and with a mighty heave, pulled the woodchuck up and out of the tunnel with an embarrassing sucking sound. The woodchuck rolled in the dry grass and scooted like a dog with clogged anal glands, but the smell had inhabited her being like an odorous poltergeist. She finally plunged into the nearby stream and stayed underwater as long as possible, much to the horror of the beavers who were doing some finishing work on their latest dam. The ferret keeping watch snickered and jeered, and then scurried off to report to the weasel, hoping to move up through the ranks of deputies to Number 2.

Finally clean, lying on a large, flat rock to dry in the sun, the woodchuck thought about what the weasel had done. There were droppings everywhere in the meadow and a lot of information could be gathered from the spoor dotting the field; what kind of seed and nuts were in season, who’d been eating leftover Halloween Tootsie Rolls with the wrapper on, that sort of thing. On the next rock over, a colony of rabbits was engaged in a game of coprophagia roulette. They were tossing pellets of their own turds into each other’s mouths—when the catcher caught one, the hare who threw it had to do a shot of carrot juice and then a verse of Little Bunny Foo Foo. They called it scat singing.

Shirley brought over some catalpa leaves to absorb the moisture, and as she dried off her cousin, the woodchuck sat up and declared, “Only I get to poop in my burrow! I am going to get revenge!”

“Well, you can’t do anything to physically to harm him because the ferrets are always around and they will cut you. I think the best route is to find a way to prank him. You know how much he hates to be laughed at.” The woodchuck agreed and the two of them started brainstorming ideas for some payback humiliation.

“Maybe we could set up a Wheel of Fortune game and get him to play, and every time he tries to solve the puzzle, all the other players could shout “Vanna, he would like to buy a bowel!”

Bad ideas were bounced back and forth, and the two rodents were getting sillier. Shirley had been pacing while dropping one-liners “. . . and then the waiter says, “May I take your ordure?!” and finally collapsed on the flat rock. Her butt came in contact with two catalpa leaves that were stuck together and as she flattened them, it made a small Pffttt! sound.

“You farted!” shrieked the woodchuck, gasping for breath. “I did not,” Shirley fiercely defended her dignity. “It was the leaves; they had air between them . . .” her voice trailed off as she looked at what she had sat on. “The meadow is basically one big toilet, so why is farting still so embarrassing?”

The blind woodchuck picked up the leaf and said thoughtfully, “You know, we could make a whole bunch of these . . .”

“. . . and distribute them all over the grass,” Shirley added.

The woodchuck continued excitedly ” . . . and then scratch A Message from Your Leader across the front . . .”

“. . . so it sounds like he’s farting!” the two of them shouted in unison.

Soon the entire meadow was on board, as the weasel had dropped his excremental calling card in each of their homes. It was fall and the giant catalpa leaves carpeted the ground, making the gathering of raw materials simple. A production line was set up and everyone worked together, sealing the edges of two leaves together with sap. The platypus had a glue gun, which was even faster. The woodchuck could not figure out how it was working as there was no electricity in the meadow, and when questioned, the platypus looked at her blankly and said, “I have a long extension cord.”

The chipmunks had the best penmanship, and they busied themselves scratching the message across the front. The possums blew a little air into the opening, and soon there was a pile of innocent looking catalpa bombs. They were scattered across the meadow and the woods, blending into the fallen leaves like tiny flatulent mines.

“He’s coming!” the beaver hissed. The crowd of animals silently parted as the weasel and his crew of ferrets started to walk through them. He made the royal wave as he walked on his hind legs, already assuming that his manure message had not been wasted. They were his subjects now and he demanded their respect.

As he stepped forward, there was suddenly a loud farting noise. The crowd held its breath, and the weasel said, “I didn’t do that!” He looked at one of the ferrets behind him who blushed and waved sheepishly as he accepted the blame.

The weasel took another step, and the sound was even louder. His pace quickened and the farts kept coming; soon he was running and the rapid machine gun repeat of ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca followed him as the animals pointed and laughed, chanting, “He who smelt it dealt it!”

The weasel and his minions disappeared into the forest, the mockery of the animals echoing through the trees. The woodland creatures knew he would be back—this was not the dunghill he would die on—but they took their small victories when they could get them. It had been a long day, and they were all pooped. It was time to go home.

• • •

I freely share this idea with the world, so if anyone wants to start a GoFund Me to produce Whoopee Cushions with A Message from Your President scrawled across the front, go for it! They could be passed out at the next March and would also make a lovely souvenir.

• • •

The woodchuck has a new burrow! You can still hang around here with the other woodland animals, but the iguanas and the platypus have moved over to Substack, where they hope to reach millions of new readers and possibly amass a fortune in cicadas! (The woodchuck doesn’t really expect you to hand over your tasty bugs—she’s just hoping for new eyes to read about her adventures.) Look for her at The Blind Woodchuck on Substack.

Yes, And . . .Or

“Shirley! Shirley! Wake up!” The blind woodchuck shook her cousin as hard as she could until her relative finally sat up and sleepily asked “Is it the Rapture?”

“No, you idiot, I need your password. The mouse streaming service stopped working.”

Shirley yawned hugely and sat up. “I told you I canceled that as a boycott when they took that TV guy off the air. I said you have eleven days to watch whatever you’re in the middle of and then it’s gone.”

“But I had to finish Love is Blind before I could go back to the Star Wars one. I have two episodes left… do they win the rebellion? I need to see what happens! Can’t you get it back?”

“That kind of defeats the idea of a boycott. Speaking of protests, are you ready for this weekend?”

The woodchuck sulked. “I’m not going.”

Shirley was incensed. “You told me if I took that improv class with you, you would come with me! Why are you reneging on your promise?”

“I have my reasons . . .” began the woodchuck when Shirley cut her off.

“Let’s do that thing we learned in the improv class and you can explain them to me: you start.”

“Um, well, for one thing, it’s going rain.”

“Yes, and . . .” Shirley interrupted. “We’ve been in a drought all summer. Rain will feel wonderful. Next?”

“It will be cold if we get wet!”

“Yes, and . . . the last time we did this it was about 100 degrees. Also, you’re wearing a fur coat.”

“What if I get hungry?”

“Yes, and . . . there will be dropped snacks all over.”

“You know I don’t like crowds!”

“Yes, and . . . we don’t have to be in the middle; we’ll stay on the outside of the masses.”

“I don’t have a sign!”

“Yes, and . . . you don’t have to have one; but I have cardboard and markers if you want to make one with your famous bubble letters.”

“Shirley . . .” the woodchuck paused for a long time, and then said in a small voice, “I’m afraid.”

“Oh, honey, Yes, and so am I. But we’ll hold each other’s paws and try to be brave together. Remember, we have friends everywhere, and they will be there with us.”

The woodchuck sighed and realized her cousin was right. For as many excuses as she had for not going to the No Kings March, she knew showing up was the most important thing.

As she uncapped the blue market to make a sign reading Welcome to the Rebelion, she teased Shirley, “Did you really think if there was a Rapture that you would be among the chosen to go?”

Shirley threw the red marker at her and said, “You spelled “rebellion” wrong!”

• • •

Yes, and . . . everyone has reasons why going to the No Kings March this Saturday, October 18 might be inconvenient or scary, but it’s very important. So pull on your inflatable Frog suit or T-Rex costume and join us!

• • •

You Say Floatato, I Say Floatahto

The blind woodchuck contemplated the pictures of the different candidates, concentrating deeply. She knew casting her vote was her right as a citizen and she took that responsibility very seriously. As a hibernating mammal herself, the Fat Bear Week contest was her favorite pre-winter activity, along with eating her own weight in cicadas and Snickers bars to prepare for the Big Sleep. She was partial to bear 32 Chunk but felt a duty to vote for bear 128 Grazer— she always wanted the girls to win. She wished there was a Fattest Woodchuck Contest, because she would have aced that one.

There was some kind of ruckus going on outside her burrow, so she reluctantly bookmarked the voting site. Poking her head out of the hole, she was alarmed to see a group of wild ferrets surrounding her cousin, Shirley, as she waved a flyer in the air and chanted “No More Kings!” The minions of the weasel, their faces covered with catalpa leaves, were pushing and shoving the smaller animals and the woodchuck feared the situation was about to erupt into violence. But Shirley shouted “Hawk!” and the supporters and the ferrets scattered and ducked into various unseen holes. Her cousin made an obscene gesture at the retreating minions and ducked into the woodchuck’s burrow.

“I’m trying to get everyone excited about the next March but they keep censoring me. How do I get the word out?” A disconsolate Shirley was difficult to watch, so the woodchuck did not mention that her cousin was so loud she could stand on a molehill and shout out the information, and everyone would hear her.

“What if we try something different?” the woodchuck mused. “My nephews, Marlin and Perkins, told me they had eaten their way through a wall and some insulation and had ended up in a kind of studio with recording equipment. Perkins said he thought the pink stuff was cotton candy and it was kind of itchy going down, but he liked it.”

“You want us to make a Public Service Announcement? I don’t think anyone would pay attention to that.”

“No, the animals don’t want to be preached at. But what if we make it a talk show?! We could do a sketch about the next March and the date—make them understand that saving Democracy is a hoot! And I should be the host, because I’m the funny one.”

“You really think you’re funny?” Shirley seemed skeptical.

“Yes!” The woodchuck was offended. “I was telling the platypus a story the other day and it was rolling in the dirt, laughing hysterically.”

“I don’t think the platypus has ears,” muttered Shirley, “but I guess we can try it.”

• • •

The woodchuck sat nervously behind the desk on the set, her cousin Marlin manning the camera. It looked very impressive, even though it was not plugged in. There was a window in the small studio that looked out onto a parking lot, and many of the animals from the meadow were gathered there to watch the show. The atmosphere was festive as Perkins moved among the crowd, handing out paper cones with the pink fluffy stuff wrapped around them; the anticipation was high as the very first episode of Be Wild, Kingdom! went live.

“5 …4…3…” Marlin counted her in silently. The woodchuck sat there, wondering why he wasn’t saying anything. “Go!” he hissed.

“Oh! Welcome, meadow friends! We’ve got a great show for you tonight; the comedy stylings of the mole man, a beaver carving my likeness from a stump, an excerpt from The Taming of the Shrew performed by real shrews . . .” as the woodchuck listed all the acts to come, she noticed the ferrets with their catalpa-covered faces moving toward the window, glaring intimidatingly at her.

“Um, and we have the chipmunks Chip and Dale, singing . . . no, wait they cancelled because their boss said no, but we do have an interpretive dance for gun control by Bambi’s stepmother . . . what, she got cancelled, too?” The woodchuck gulped and stared at the crowd of expectant faces waiting for her to entertain them—this was harder than she had thought it would be. Suddenly a tiny head popped up right in front of the window and waved. It was Steve! Her favorite iguana and best friend who had been hiding from the L(Ice) men in the forest. He had come back to support her at great personal risk, and she watched in horror as the ferrets moved toward him.

Except he wasn’t a lizard anymore; he had morphed into what looked like a pile of pink spun fiberglass laying on the ground. The ferrets stopped, confused, as the crowd started pushing and shouting at them. The weasel minions realized they were outnumbered and began to slink away, cowed by the angry yelling of the animals. Steve turned back into a lizard and grinned encouragingly at her.

“My first guest tonight is someone you all know and love. My cousin Shirley is going to tell us about the next No Kings March coming up on October 18^th and why it is so important to show up in huge numbers. The election in the next few days is also critical, so here she is to give us the lowdown.”

Shirley came dancing out in a bear suit, swinging a salmon over her head, and the crowd went wild. “Vote in the Fat Bear Week contest today, and march for Democracy in October!”

• • •

The Blind Woodchuck and I both like it when the girls win, but my personal favorite in the Fat Bear Week contest is Bear 602, also known as “Floatato”. He likes to lounge in the river while floating on his back looking like a large baked potato. His bio informs us “he can be identified by a peculiar stomping dance that he displays in moments when his excitement level appears to be high”. Whichever bear delights you, don’t forget to vote!

• • •

Baby’s Got Back

The woodchuck lay on her back, tiny paws waving helplessly in the air. She had been stuck in this position for a while, like a large bug that had flipped and could not recenter whatever core muscles were required to override the useless spine that should have been holding her in an upright sitting position. She had new respect for cockroaches who righted themselves.

Today was her birthday, and while the thought of getting older was always annoying, today it was infuriating. How was she supposed to look amazed when they shouted Surprise! and brought in the flaming cake if she couldn’t sit up? (It was wildfire season in the forest but she was sure a cake wouldn’t be a problem. There weren’t that many candles.)

Pill bugs were camping out in her burrow and she had sent them to find her cousin Shirley, but it could be weeks before they got to her. Even snails were faster than pill bugs—they accelerated when going downhill but climbing up was a problem.

She recently scavenged a turntable from the dump and had been enjoying some mellow Fleetwood Mac before her back muscles had given out. Now the record kept skipping and repeating the phrase . . . And I’m getting older, too. She imagined taking one of Stevie’s scarves and stuffing it in her mouth just to shut her up.

This was not how she had envisioned her golden years. Why had there been no retirement party when she was suddenly laid off from predicting the weather in Punxsutawney? Where was the Mexican time share she thought she would own by now? And why had she taken democracy for granted for such a long time— what she wouldn’t give to wake up every morning not filled with dread about what the weasel might do that day.

Whining was not gratifying if there was no one there to feel sorry for you. She decided she would try positive thinking instead, except the skipping record was driving her crazy. She felt around in the dirt for something to throw at the turntable and her paw landed on a book she had found in one of those boxes on a stick. The chewy pages were good roughage that helped keep her incisors from growing through the roof of her mouth, and the glue on the spine was tasty. She could really use some spine glue right now, she thought. She didn’t usually bother to read the stuff inside, but this one had caught her attention: it was called Animal Farm. She thought it might have woodchucks in it.

An hour later, horrified, she flung the book away and it hit the turntable, sending the needle screeching across the record. She suddenly found herself sitting up, shaking with fear and anger. There were no groundhogs in the slim volume, but it felt like a roadmap for what the weasel was doing right now. Lying to turn the animals against each other, convincing them the meadow was a dangerous place to be and keeping all the spoils for themselves, the weasel and his minions were using an agenda that had been around since the 1930s as a playbook.

“Hey, birthday girl!” Shirley shouted down the tunnel. “I’m here to flip you over—oh, you’re up.”

“Shirley,” gasped the woodchuck, grabbing her cousin’s paw. “It’s a trap! The weasel is trying to convince us that all animals are equal but some are more equal than others. He is the lead pig Napolean from the book, and Stephen Miller is Squealer! We’re gonna need a landslide to bring them down!”

“Why don’t you tell me about it?” Shirley murmured, comforting the woodchuck as she recounted the story, and thought slipping that book into the Little Library was the best birthday present she could have given her clueless cousin. She wasn’t sure where the Fleetwood Mac reference came from, but it wasn’t wrong.

Even though the author claims not to be the woodchuck (and the woodchuck denies it as well), they do share the same birthday. They both have a request for their special day: be kind to each other, read a book once in a while, and don’t jump to conclusions about things in the media until all the facts are verified. Also, cake.

There is another NoKings March coming up on October 18, so mark your calendars.

• • •

I know there are some problems with Substack and their non-censorship of nazis, but I believe there are more of us woodchucks than there are weasels, amirite? Like the Von Trapp family, we will walk over the alps before we hang their flag!

The Garden of Eatin’

The giant orb hung above the woodchuck, radiating heat and energy. It seemed close enough to touch, even though her tiny paws were but a few inches long. The elders whispered that this solar sucking super sphere powered all human life, and she truly believed it. She took a deep breath and inhaled the aroma that gave meaning to the season: a ruby fruit so ripe it looked like it was about to explode.

The woodchuck lay on her back surrounded by the exuberant viridian tangle. The zucchini were bigger than beavers and there were too many damn cucumbers to even count. Tiny pumpkins waited for a Halloween growth spurt as their tendrils entwined with long strings of pole beans; and the curly leaves of kale rustled like petticoats in the breeze.

This garden brought the joy that had been tamped down by the oppressive heat of the weasel’s breath. She had been waiting through the long cold winter (which started on Jan. 20th) and the soggy spring for it to reach peak fruitability, and it was finally time for her reward. If they weren’t going to release the Epstein files, she would at least have this.

Technically, it wasn’t actually her garden; most of the heavy lifting was done by the human in the big hat whose knees made a loud popping sound when she got down on the ground to weed. The woodchuck made the same moaning noise when she had to get up from a kneeling position, so she felt like they were kindred spirits.

Her contribution to the garden was a series of tunnels she kept digging around the plants as a way to allow the rainwater to get to the tasty roots. It was confusing when she visited and found the holes stuffed with stones and steel wool. The woodchuck assumed the prankster badgers were doing that; honey badgers don’t care about soil irrigation.

She stretched out a talon and tapped the red rubber ball; it began a gentle sway that reverberated throughout the greenery. The stem was so thin! How did it support the flaming sphere that had absorbed every bit of sunlight and rain it could muster to produce a cherry bomb that was as radiant as the cape as red as blood?

Oh, great. Now she had Sondheim stuck in her head. She hummed rooting through my rutabaga, raiding my arugula . . . before she forgot the words and focused on the perfect snack hanging before her.

The last seven months had been rough—the weasel had driven away most of the animals who removed the vegetables from this garden so the bounty was hers alone, but she felt guilty knowing she had the pick of the crop. Not guilty enough to leave, but enough to feel a little bad.

She kept hearing that the only way to get through the turmoil enveloping the meadow was to find small bursts of joy. This particular burst was bigger than her head, and she was very grateful for this plump pasta sidekick that would help her forget the misery the weasel and his minions were inflicting on everyone.

She closed her eyes, opened her mouth as wide as she could, and pierced the taut skin with an incisor sharpened by years of chewing on less delicious things. The spatter range exploded across her belly as a crimson tide of juice ran down into the furry folds of her neck and the gelatinous membrane willingly gave up its slippery seeds and scarlet meat. Great moments of her life flashed before her eyes as she experienced all that was good in the world in this one perfect bite.

She lay on her back savoring the last sip of a taste that could only be described as red. She would not go back for another bite—it would only dim the radiance. A second mouthful would be ketchup. Besides, she wanted to leave the rest of this beefy beauty to the human she shared the garden with—she was thoughtful that way.

As the woodchuck ambled away from the patch, licking her paws and dislodging a seed from between her teeth, she heard an anguished cry from her partner in dirt as the lady with the big hat discovered her prize-winning tomato had a huge hole in the side. Her knees made that weird popping sound as she fell to the ground.

You’re welcome thought the woodchuck. It was a good day.

• • •

This homage is brought to you by the tomato I ate last week that made me swoon. Take a break from the headlines and immerse yourself in the bounty that is summer!

Guy Clark said it best.

• • •

Birnam Wood(chuck)

Oddly enough, this was not the first time the woodchuck had found herself trapped in a leather backpack, stuffed in an overhead bin. The last time it happened there had been a bit of a ruckus because she had chewed her way out of the bag and run up and down the aisle of the plane, followed by screams of “Rat! Rat!” It had been quite stressful.

She decided this time she would stay put; it was quite cozy nestled amidst the flannel shirts, and she found an old granola bar that would keep her fed. She was just about to take a bite through the wrapper when it was slapped out of her paw. She should have been startled, shrieking at the thought of another creature crammed in the darkness with her, using up all the oxygen and stealing her only food source; but she simply sighed and said “Hello, Shirley”. She had no idea how her cousin had managed to crawl into the same carry on, but it felt inevitable that she had.

“Where are we going?” Shirley was using her loud voice, and there was a noticeable pause in the hum of conversation going on below them in the plane. “London,” someone responded, although why they would answer a disembodied voice was beyond the woodchuck.

Shirley squealed, “Ooh! The Land of Shakespeare and Hugh Grant and . . .” the woodchuck clamped her paw over her cousin’s mouth and whispered, “Shhh—we’re stowaways—no one can know we’re here”. But Shirley got loud when she was anxious and the realization they were flying over an ocean sent her into a panic. There were some interesting pill containers in the carry on and the woodchuck expertly chewed through the child proof cap until she retrieved two small lavender tablets—she wasn’t sure what they were, but they certainly calmed her cousin down. With Shirley snoring in the now shredded flannel shirt, the woodchuck found a tiny hole in the corner of the satchel and caught a glimpse of the seating below when someone opened the bin—they were in Premium Economy! Nice; she hated flying coach.

The woodchuck jolted awake as the backpack was yanked out of the bin. She considered making a run for it but Shirley had lapsed into hibernation mode, so the best option seemed to be just stick with the satchel. She hadn’t had time to consider what going through Customs with two woodchucks in your bag would be like for the Backpack Dude, but he breezed through with a simple flash of his passport. Apparently, England didn’t care who they let into their country.

She’d wanted to taste the famous mushy peas that were a delicacy and marvel at the torture equipment in the Tower of London, but it really was so much simpler to just go wherever the backpack did. A walking tour of Historic London was very educational and relaxing, since she didn’t have to walk at all. She was beginning to think of Backpack Dude as her own sherpa. She stared out the tiny hole at a statue of several sheep who were being honored with the Freedom of the City of London Award*—the herd was apparently allowed to prance across the London Bridge. Imagine the freedom to go where you wanted without fear of reprisal or hawks! Such a civilized country.

The next week was a jumble of bits and pieces of interesting history the woodchuck could pick up from the tour guides. She’d been looking forward to the Victoria Albert museum, but the backpack was checked in the cloak room when a staff member delicately pointed out the extremely strong smell that seemed to be emanating from the interior. The woodchuck wasn’t offended; put two groundhogs in an enclosed space for a week and they were going to have to pee somewhere. If they thought this was bad, they should sniff her burrow at the end of hibernation. Also, those leftover take out mushy peas may have been a mistake.

Shirley was still in a coma, which was a shame because the woodchuck would have liked to discuss the sheep award with her, as well as the resilience of the country. England had been involved in two major wars and many parts of the city were bombed to bits in the Blitz; it survived Brexit and countless royal scandals, and had to put up with pictures of those stupid corgi dogs on all their souvenirs. Yet the city seemed so civilized and polite—it made the woodchuck hopeful that her meadow could survive the terrible era of weasel rule they were currently dealing with back home. Any city that would honor sheep seemed like a place she could get comfortable.

The week went by too quickly and she soon found herself shoved back in the overhead bin. She had never left the satchel. It had been the equivalent of touring the city on top of a red double decker bus, if the bus had been full of fourteen pounds of woodchucks and their poo. She couldn’t wait to brag about how she had backpacked through Europe.

Shirley woke up about five hours into the return flight. “Are we there yet?” she asked groggily. “I can’t wait to get some mushy peas.”

Sometimes the woodchuck and the author have identical experiences, although I wasn’t as excited about the mushy peas (the first time I was served this side dish with fish and chips, I thought it was guacamole). Also, her interpretation of the Freedom of the City of London Award is slightly different than mine, but no less of a delight.

We Are All Florida Now

She glided through the turquoise water as if born with gills, her sleek fins covered in green and gold paillettes that reflected the admiration of the fish who watched her swim. What had once been a furry haunch was now a tail meant for speed; it whipped back and forth and pushed her through the water as silent and deadly as a barracuda. Her top half was encased in two scalloped shells tied together to create a fetching bra, and while she wasn’t exactly Ariel, she could certainly pass as a mermaid at Weeki Watchee Springs*.

She was wrenched from her sea fantasy by the realization that she couldn’t actually breathe underwater and sat up in her burrow, gasping. Her cousin Shirley was standing over her, having just thrown a cup of water in her face. “What the hell did you do that for?” screamed the woodchuck, realizing that her sequined mermaid tail now ended in two dirty paws.

“You were choking in your sleep and I had to wake you up,” pointed out Shirley. “I saved your life! You really should use that CPAP machine.”

“It’s so cold,” the woodchuck whined, now damp and shivering. “I should be deep in hibernation, but my anxiety keeps waking me up. I want to be somewhere warm!’

“Maybe we should move south,” mused Shirley, as she trod on a frozen lump. “Damn, what did I step on?”

“Be careful, that’s Steve. Look, you broke off his tail! Steve! Wake up!”

A mess of iguanas had wandered into the meadow at the end of the summer, tired of politics and fearful of immigration rumors. Originally from Mexico, they had lived in Florida for hundreds of years but that didn’t seem to stop anyone from trying to deport them. They loved the intense heat of the midwestern sun in their new home and could frequently be found sunning themselves on rocks.

The woodchuck adored the iguanas. She thought they were alligators when they first arrived, but soon discovered they were herbivores and not interested in eating her. They were big card players, and the woodchuck had spent many happy hours winning all their insects and leaves. Her favorite part was when they tried to bluff and did not seem to realize their tell was when they turned bright blue. Shirley insisted that wasn’t possible because they were iguanas, not chameleons, but the pile of dried cicadas the woodchuck had won disproved that theory.

Unfortunately, the lizards had not realized what the geographical difference in the climate would eventually bring. The frozen bodies of iguanas were strewn about the floor of the burrow as the temperatures dropped and so did they.

“Don’t worry, they’re not dead, just a little stiff,” the woodchuck reassured her cousin. “Why are you in here?”

“I think we should have a party! Let’s celebrate Groundhog Day and the fact that you don’t have to go to Punxsutawney now because you’re retired!”

The woodchuck could think of several reasons why she hated this idea, but apparently Shirley had already invited everyone in the meadow and animals began pouring into her burrow. As the tunnels filled with the hot breath of furry rodents, the temperature climbed and the iguanas stirred. The dancing started when one of her cousins dragged an old boombox he had found at the dump into the burrow, and the CD stuck inside blasted out the opening brass of the Miami Sound machine. “Come on, shake your body baby do the conga!” they screamed along with Gloria. An otter was keeping the beat on the shell of a turtle that had wandered in as the skunks and raccoons serpentined in and out of the tunnels in a conga line. The song stopped abruptly at “let your body feel the . . .” and then started over, a continuous loop of never-ending bongos. The party raged on, as the opossums shared some fun mushrooms they had found and the rats kept holding up the beaver’s tails to look like they had Micky Mouse ears. The iguanas shouted “ratoncito mickey!” and the revelers erupted in cheers.

The woodchuck watched, not sure if she could summon the energy to join in with this manic crowd. Outside a dumpster fire raged that would soon spread to the meadow, scorching the dry grasses and causing the trees to erupt into tikki torches. A Musky odor seemed to float over the fields like a warning and the air felt charged, as if a hurricane was forming in the Gulf of Meximerica or whatever the weasel was calling it now. The world was terrifying; was it really a good idea to dance and party in denial?

On the plus side, the iguanas had thawed out and Steve’s tail was already growing back. Maybe she could find a few moments of joy with this sweaty, hallucinating group of freaks. A squirrel wearing a French maid outfit passed by with a tray of psilocybin canapés, and the woodchuck popped one in her mouth.

“Ratoncito mickey!” she giggled and merged into the congo line.

• • • • •

*I have no plans to visit Florida soon, as I hate humidity and get sick on roller coasters. Also it feels like I will never sleep again as I keep waking up in despair,
but one day I would love to see the mermaids of https://weekiwachee.com/park-attractions/.

As long as I don’t have to go to Florida to see them.

Reality Bites

The woodchuck sat terrified in her burrow. Only her snout and beady black eyes were visible as she sank deeper into the plastic bag stuffed with random bird feathers that was the warmest thing she owned. Outside, above her, a fire raged. It was fueled, not by flames, but by anger and hate and animals who seemed to be voting against their own interests; she’d heard all the chickens had bonded together to elect the weasel. Why you would vote for the beast that regularly took out entire coops was beyond her, but one of them had told her “they just didn’t know what the weasel’s opponent stood for.”

The woodchuck did not engage with fowl because she knew you can’t change people’s mind by arguing with them, although it never stopped her cousin from trying. Shirley was on her way over to the woodchuck’s burrow, her own plastic bag packed with essentials. She had a plan; they would cross the border to the next meadow to escape whatever terrible things the weasel had in mind for their own beloved field.

The woodchuck knew people saw her as a narcissistic cynic; always looking out for herself and not concerned for the other animals. But they didn’t know about her concealed vein of naivete and optimism. She had never really believed the weasel would come back to their meadow because she couldn’t fathom that the other animals would vote against themselves. Sure, everything cost more since the big sick had locked down the meadow, but wasn’t that the fault of the big corporations? What did they think the weasel was actually going to do about that, since he planned on trying to repeal minimum wage and get the eagles to take out all his enemies?

Shirley ducked into the burrow, dragging two huge bags of sticks behind her. “What are you bringing?” snapped the woodchuck. “I thought we were traveling light.”

“I needed all my favorite sticks to remember this place by,” Shirley said in a quivering voice. “I love this meadow.” Tears ran down her snout and she was suddenly sobbing as hard as Hannah had on Love is Blind when Leo broke up with her.

The woodchuck was not an affectionate animal, but watching her cousin cry broke something in her. She wrapped her tiny arms around her bulky best friend in a hug as big as she could give, and the two of them stood there for a long time.

“Shirley,” she said softly. “We can’t leave.” Shirley was still sobbing hysterically, and the gentler side that the woodchuck never showed ran out of patience. “SHIRLEY!” she shouted, slapping her relative across the snout. “I know you’re sad and scared and anxious —so am I. But we can’t leave. We are the elders in the meadow here and we have to stay and show them we will not be cowed. We have to keep fighting for all the things we believe in and letting them know just because we lost, we will not bend to their will. We will not vanish without a fight. We’re going to live on. We’re going to survive.”

She wasn’t exactly sure how they were going to do any of that and she realized that some of that pep talk might have been stolen from the president’s speech in Independence Day, but it did the trick. Shirley took a deep breath and the tears slowed.

“My God,” she whispered. “I can’t believe I’m saying this but you’re right. We have to stay and let the other animals know we can still all band together and keep trying.” She hugged her cousin and said she was going home to put all her sticks back where they belonged.

After she left, the woodchuck stood in silence in her burrow. She wasn’t sure she really believed all that stuff she had just said to Shirley, but at least her cousin had stopped crying. That was something, right? Taking care of each other.

She had found an old string of twinkle lights at the dump, and they worked fine after she replaced the fuse. She strung them from twigs across her burrow, and it made a comforting glow in the cozy tunnel. Today she would rest, and nap; maybe even break into that stash of Snickers bars she had been hoarding since Halloween. She thought about postponing hibernation but changed her mind; after a long sleep through the winter, she would wake refreshed in the spring and ready to do something. She wasn’t sure what that might be, but it would sure be something.

There was only one good thing about all this being over—at least she wouldn’t be getting any more emails and texts from the Democrats wanting more money.

As a form of self-care, I am putting up my Christmas decorations early. They make me happy, and I could sure use some happy right now.

Present: Tense

The anxiety was unbearable, like when hundreds of bees had burrowed into her fur and were all screaming at her at once because she ate their queen. (She didn’t mean to eat their ruler; it was just that all bees looked alike.) Every moment felt like hours, and the cacophony of who said what felt like it was at full volume. The rabbits in the meadow kept chanting, “they’re eating the dogs, they’re eating the cats” like it was a hilarious joke, not realizing that they could be next in the food chain. It felt like everyone had lost their damn minds.

Her cousin Shirley dropped by unexpectedly to recruit her to be a poll watcher. The woodchuck assumed that meant the polecats were going to be putting on another show, but watching those skinny little freaks dance made her feel bad about her thighs and she had enough things to worry about.

When was this madness going to be over? The animals in the forest were constantly going on about who they thought should run the woods, and every species seem to have a different idea of who was the scariest. Anxious chatter filled the skies from the bluebirds and the redbirds seemed to be completely divorced from reality, and now the muskrat was offering to pay people to vote for the weasel. The woodchuck felt that was extremely unfair, because no one on her side of the meadow was doing anything like that and she could use some extra cash. She didn’t really know what she would do with money, but she did love to win things. Also, how was that not illegal? She hoped the meerkat named Garland was looking into this.

She needed to distract herself, because if she saw one more clip of that weasel dancing to YMCA, she was going to gnaw off the paw holding her phone.

She tried watching Netflix, but the thing kept buffering and freezing. Reception in her burrow was never great, and it could always be counted on to go out just when you finally managed to lose yourself in the latest episode of Love is Blind, where the people were all terrible and no one talked about Arnold Palmer’s dick. She lay on her back in the dark, watching that little circle go endlessly around and around but never quite completing itself, not unlike this election cycle. She tried not to think about the reports that the polls were tightening, because she knew that had nothing to do with the stripping ferrets, or the fact that Pennsylvania —home of Punxsutawney, where she had faithfully predicted the weather for all those Groundhog Days!—might let her down.

Her head was going to explode if she kept thinking about this. How was she going to get through the next fourteen days? What she needed was a sure-fire distraction, a completely reliable streaming service that worked in a dark burrow and would provide enough mind numbing content to refocus her brain and force her amygdala to process only big-lipped housewives, badly-behaved yacht crews, and whatever Alan Cummings was wearing.

The woodchuck sat up, suddenly clearheaded. This was a great idea! Finally, a project that would focus her mind and keep her from endless checking her phone for updates on whether the former leader Bushy the Squirrel had endorsed someone. The woodchuck started sketching a logo for this new app and realized she should immediately apply for a patent before someone else could grab her concept. She would call it — TunnelVision!

Unfortunately, when the woodchuck applied for the trademark, she discovered that someone else had already patented the idea. It was called Bravo TV.

It was going to be a long two weeks.

Fourteen days to go. If anxiety and nerves could power vehicles, we would never again need to drill, baby, drill.

Part Three: Every Now and Then I Fall Apart (alternate title: Eat, Prey. Love)

Panic had broken out around her. All the forest animals were aware of the near miss the woodchuck had during the last eclipse and were terrified of not being able to watch for predators. Most had never even realized there were things happening in the skies above them—the only time they looked up was for hawks. Now everyone was suddenly Chicken Little when it came to the sky.

“The birds knew and they didn’t warn us!” screamed the field mice. “It’s a conspiracy!”

“The crickets are in on it, too!” wailed a hedgehog. “How did they know to start chirping? Did they have access to an app that’s only on Android?”

A groundhog, manically running in a circle with his eyes closed, tripped over a root and tore his ACL. He lay on the ground moaning, clutching his wounded limb and making such a racket that it caught the attention of a turkey vulture flying by. This was exactly the kind of eclipse content the bird was hoping for.

The woodchuck was stunned to see the entire meadow and forest had erupted into chaos. Scientists had predicted some animal behaviors might be odd during the eclipse, but not this level of weird. She was horrified to see one of her cousins lying prostrate on the grass, his naked belly exposed to the sky as he screamed incoherently about the end being near. The buzzard certainly seemed to agree with him.

It occurred to the woodchuck that some of the animals might be blaming her for this, which was, of course, ridiculous. All she had done was pretend to be blind for several years to get people to pamper her and bring treats; she never said anything about writhing around on the ground in plain sight of a very large bird with talons and a beak.

Oh. Well, perhaps they had a point.

The woodchuck ducked back into her burrow, uncertain of what to do about the carnage that was about to erupt. Shirley was fully awake now and could hear the screaming above ground. “Do something!” she shouted. “You’re the only one they will listen to!”

The woodchuck did not believe this was necessarily true, but her only other option was going deeper into the burrow and hiding in a tunnel. She glanced wildly around the cozy dark room, trying to think of what to do, when her eyes fell upon a metallic cold food shopping bag she had saved from her last trip to Costco.

“Shirley!” she screamed. “Help me tear this into strips!” The two woodchucks ripped the silver fabric into long pieces as fast as possible, and she scrambled up the tunnel gripping as many as her tiny arms could hold.

She paused at top of the hole. Outside there was terror and screaming and possible disembowelment; fellow groundhogs who hated her and felt she was responsible for the carnage that was about to happen. It would be so much easier to duck back inside and hide.

She flashed back on the last eclipse and the power she had felt course through her body just before her retinas started smoking. Maybe there was just a little bit of Captain Marvel still in her.

She dashed out of the hole and threw herself on top of her writhing cousin, flipping him several times until he fell into a nearby burrow. The turkey vulture was in a dive straight for the entrails but had to pull up before it hit the ground, zooming back into the air before readying another approach. This time it was going for her.

“Tie these around your eyes!” she screamed at the other animals, tossing the foil strips in the air. “You won’t go blind!” She threw the last ones at the other woodchucks just as the vulture snatched her by the nape of her neck and lifted her in the air. Shirley seized her foot and went airborne herself. One by one, all the now blindfolded rodents grabbed onto to each other and formed a furry chain that tethered them to ground; it stretched into the sky at least fifteen woodchucks high.

The turkey vulture gave up, as the groundhogs were all pretty chunky and probably kind of grisly. The chain plummeted to the ground, with the woodchuck hitting last with a wince-inducing smash.

She awoke to a cold compress of soothing leaves on her forehead and a crowd of doting animals trying to anticipate her every need, bringing her insects and delicious berries. It was just like the last eclipse, only this time she could see their grateful faces beaming at her. She was their hero, but now she deserved it. She would be as humble as long she possibly could, or at least until they stopped waiting on her.

She picked up a fresh cicada someone offered her and bit into it, the crunchy filling delighting her senses. There were two or three on the bark platter, and she popped them into her mouth as well. Were they early this year? It seemed too soon for cicadas.

The woodchuck sighed and relaxed. Spring was here, and it was calm, and quiet. She hoped there wouldn’t be any more extraordinary natural phenomena to worry about this year.